Non-Affirming Families
I’m a mental health therapist and I specialize in working with the LGBTQ+ population. And I myself am gay. Without a doubt, one of the most common concerns I hear from clients who come from conservative backgrounds is how to navigate relationships with their non-affirming loved ones. They say it over and over, “My queer friends who aren’t religious don’t get it. They tell me I need to stand up for myself and cut people out of my life who don’t affirm me. But it’s not that simple. I love my friends and family, and I understand why they believe what they do – even if it hurts me.”
There seem to be conflicting schools of thought around this. Even from within some Queer Christian spaces, there is the message that says, “If you aren’t 100% for me, you are against me.” And then there is the other extreme that says, “I have to respect what they believe, even when it does harm to me and my partner.” What are Queer Christians who have non-affirming families to do?
The answer is not a simple black and white one, as much as our inner fundamentalist selves may like it to be (Big ‘ole hand raise here for feeling called out!). Instead, here are a few considerations to make when setting boundaries and deciding how much access your non-affirming loved ones have earned the right to have.
What is the nature of the relationship in question? While this one may seem simple, it can be nuanced. Some questions to ask might be: Have they historically been safe and respectful to you? Do you enjoy being close with them? What is their willingness to learn about your identity, how it impacts you and to support you regardless of their beliefs? If it is a friendship, what direction has the friendship been moving in? Questions like this can help provide clarity on how you feel about a person’s place in your life.
What are the social consequences of keeping this person in my life or creating distance? In church circles, this can be very complicated. If you are on a ministry team, you may still have to work with this person. If you’re in a Bible Study or small group together, you may still have to see that person in a group you otherwise enjoy. Or you may just share a circle of friends. The impact of creating space in a relationship may have consequences you aren’t set up or prepared for just yet. If this is the case, it doesn’t necessarily mean a boundary setting conversation isn’t in order. It may mean, however, that you need to assess the supports you have in place and create a plan to strategically move towards a relationship that feels safe and respectful.
What is the impact on my mental health by keeping this person close or by creating distance? This is not a simple question to answer, nor is it a one-time question to ask. As we move more fully into our queerness, we change, our loved ones change and the relationship we have with them follows that. It is a balancing act to weigh the impact their lack of affirmation has on you with the grief you may experience by creating distance or setting strong boundaries. Both are real and valid. You may not be ready to face the grief of losing a relationship. Or their lack of support may impact you in such a way that you can’t imagine continuing like this. Many people vacillate between these two on a regular basis. When this happens, take a deep breath and remind yourself to take it day by day, continually checking in with yourself around this. Notice any themes that come up, or ways your feelings shift over time. It can often be very helpful to talk with a therapist or coach to help gain clarity around all these confusing feelings and to help process the grief.
Do I feel safe and respected in the relationship since coming out? This is a really important question to be honest with yourself about! When we talk about safety, that can mean a lot of different things. The most obvious aspect of safety is physical safety. If you don’t feel physically safe with a person, please do not spend time alone with that person! This is one area where immediate boundaries are not only ok but essential! Emotional safety often doesn’t get talked about as much but is also an important aspect to consider. Do your loved ones make comments that leave you feeling uncomfortable, sad, hurt, or feeling “less than”? Do they treat you differently than other people. Do you just have an uneasy feeling you can’t put your finger on? These are all signs that the relationship is lacking in emotional safety, and it is important to consider setting boundaries.
What social supports do I have in place to support me if I lose my loved ones? This is probably one of the most essential aspects to consider! If you do end up losing loved ones, it will impact you. There’s no way around that. This is where having queer community is so essential. I have yet to meet a queer person who does not understand the pain of losing a loved one over their identity or the fear that this will happen. Even if you have nothing else in common with the queer person next to you, that will always be a tie that binds us together and queer people are fantastic at showing up for our siblings when we are hurting over rejection! If you don’t have queer community, I would encourage you to find at least one queer person you feel safe with. This kind of support is uniquely healing when our cis/het loved ones don’t affirm us.
Dealing with non-affirming family and friends is often one of the most difficult aspects of coming out for those of us who are in Christian spaces. Unfortunately, there are not easy answers about how to navigate these challenges, but these questions are a place to start. Finding a community or a support group who understands these challenges can be very helpful. And, talking with a therapist or coach who can be a sounding board and offer guidance can also be helpful. You don’t have to navigate this process alone!