What to Do When a Loved One Comes Out to You
What do we do when a loved ones comes out to us as LGBTQ?
The biggest thing I want you to remember if a friend or family member comes out to you as LGBTQ is that no matter what your beliefs or feelings are about them being queer is, they just did a really brave thing. The other important thing I want you to realize is that they have honored you and your relationship with them by essentially saying, I want you to know me. They could just as easily continue to not tell you who they really are and eventually choose to be distant from you.
I also want to acknowledge that you dear friend or family member are entering into your own grief process and deserve care, time and support. Even though we as LGBTQ Christians desperately want you to quickly embrace and love us we also understand we’ve had longer than you to process and find internal acceptance and you might need time too. I hope this article helps you better understand the heart and journey of a LGBTQ Christian as they find the bravery to come out to you.
The “coming out” journey has never been a one-size-fits-all experience, and in fact can be one of the most challenging points in the life of an LGBTQ+ person.
It can be a quick process or one that takes many years. The pressures of coming out can really take a toll on one’s mental well-being, especially when the individual faces the risks of rejection, discrimination, and harassment from the outside world, so it is vital that loved ones provide as much support as possible during this pivotal time. The Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University reported that
Higher rates of family rejection during adolescence were significantly associated with poorer health outcomes for LGB young adults. LGB young adults who reported higher levels of family rejection during adolescence were 8.4 times more likely to report having attempted suicide, 5.9 times more likely to report high levels of depression, 3.4 times more likely to use illegal drugs, and 3.4 times more likely to report having engaged in unprotected sexual intercourse, compared with peers from families that reported no or low levels of family rejection.1
One of the best ways to show your support of a friend or loved one’s decision to come out is to allow them to do so at their own pace. Even if you have suspected that they might be LGBTQ+, do not force them to a conclusion that they are not ready for. This can cause unnecessary emotional trauma for that person as they have not had the opportunity to process their own thoughts about their sexuality. You cannot make the decision for them. You can however mention other LGBTQ friends you have that you love and accept, or mention queer movies and TV shows you like as a way of letting them know you’re open to the information.
If a friend or loved one has expressed that they are or might be LGBTQ+, allow them the time and space to come to you.
Show them that you can be trusted by respecting how and when they decide to tell you. When that moment comes, take what they tell you to heart. Nothing is more discouraging to someone trying to live their truth than being told that their feelings are not real. In order to be supportive, you need to show them that you believe what they say is true. After all, they know themselves better than anyone, even close friends and family.
My own coming out took quite a while.
I began to realize that I might be same-sex attracted when I was in college. The only person who knew was my best friend, and she and I had many conversations regarding the subject, but because of my family’s religious background, I had to work very hard to make sure my closet door stayed closed and locked. Over the course of about ten years, I labored mostly by myself to discover what my sexuality meant to me. Once I was finally comfortable with myself, I began to reveal that side of me to people I knew I could trust.
One of the first people I told in this second wave coming out was my close friend, Jeff. We coached softball together for two years before I ever said anything to him about my sexuality. When I finally came out to him, he told me that he knew not long after we had met but it wasn’t his place to say anything. He also said that my sexuality changed nothing about our friendship. There was so much affirmation in the fact that he let me come to him in my own time about this huge revelation about my life. He never pried nor prodded me about his suspicions, and when I was ready to reveal that side of me, he listened. It was his respect for my privacy and my trust that really helped me find the courage I needed to continue emerging fully into my sexuality.
Respect is a must when a loved one decides to make their gender/sexuality known.
You, as a friend or family member, are not required to have all the answers or to even understand what they are telling you. You are, however, responsible for how you respond to their news. Questions are normal and even encouraged, but you must make sure that you truly listen to what they are telling you. Many times, we hear the words someone says without really processing what they mean. In the case of your loved one, they are simply trying to communicate their truth to you.
Listening for comprehension is a form of respect, and it encourages them to continue to share with you. Beware the pitfall of listening to respond which prevents you from being fully open to what they have to say. As an ally, one who stands in support of LGBTQ+ individuals, you are also tasked with respecting the confidentiality of your loved one. It is not your place to tell their story to others whom they may have not been ready to come out to yet. Sometimes, an individual may only want a select few to know about their sexuality or gender identity, which means that if you are entrusted with that information, you do not share it with others. Protect your loved one and their story.
While you may not completely understand, or even agree with, their decision to come out, you must remember that this is not about you.
One of the pitfalls that friends and family encounter when a loved one decides to come out as LGBTQ+ is to put their personal feelings above those of their loved one, and while your feelings are valid, there is a time and place for you to express those to your LGBTQ+ friend or family member. Instead of jumping into whether or not you agree with their decision, show that you have taken it seriously by asking questions. This shows that you want to better understand them and their gender/sexuality.
It is important to say here that your feelings about a loved one’s coming out are still valid.
And it’s ok to not fully understand what it means for them to live in their authenticity as an LGBTQ+ person. You can show your support by your willingness to learn. Let them teach you about what it means to be LGBTQ+. Let them explain their identity to you, and be open and committed to understanding. Do your own research as well. There are so many helpful resources available to LGBTQ+ allies, and by putting in a little work on your part, you show that you take seriously the magnitude of the decision your loved one has made. It may be confusing for you at first, especially if you are someone who has had no prior exposure to the LGBTQ+ community, but your openness will encourage their transparency in communicating with you.
Unfortunately, many people shut down when a friend or family member attempts to come out to them because they think that the person’s sexual identity defines who they are. Oftentimes, they are afraid that coming out will somehow change their loved one into a person they do not recognize. The exact opposite is true: At the point a person steps into their full identity, they become the most authentic version of themselves.
When I came out to my younger sister, she supported me, but I knew she did not fully understand what it meant for me to come out as a gay woman. She listened to me tell my story, and she asked LOTS of questions. Any time the subject of my sexuality arose, she still asserted her support. A few months after revealing this information to her, she told me that she had been doing her own reading and research about the LGBTQ+ community so that she could better understand what it meant to me. I cried because I was so touched by her committed willingness to learn about what made me me! It was not some grand gesture for attention. It was a small act of genuine kindness that has had a huge impact on my journey of coming out.
Oftentimes, the moment of one’s emergence from the “closet” is one that they have seriously considered before announcing their sexuality to you. While you may have your doubts or questions, it’s important that you let your loved one know that you trust what they tell you. Contradictory statements from you only lead to discouragement and lack of trust. Instead of saying “but you used to like girls in high school” or “you always loved wearing dresses,” tell them that you appreciate that they trust you enough to share this part of their life with you. They need the assurance that you aren’t going to pass judgment or turn your back on them.
One of the best things that my mother has done in the face of my coming out has been to reassure me that this part of me does not change her love for me. While she does not agree with my lifestyle, she has been very willing to listen and has always reassured me that my sexuality does not change anything about our relationship. We have come to a mutual respect for each other’s perspectives and have continued enjoying our time together.
Unfortunately, not all coming out stories happen as positively as most of mine has. Quite often, LGBTQ+ people are met with opposition from family and friends because of personal beliefs. Religion has played a major part in how the LGBTQ+ community is received, even by loved ones. As a person of faith, I understand the conflict that can occur when faced with a loved one’s decision to come out; however, you must remember that whether or not you agree with your loved one’s decision, it really does not have an impact on you personally and therefore should not be taken personally. Their decision to live an authentic life is not predicated on your beliefs. Work with them to find a common ground where you both respect each other’s boundaries and beliefs.
It may take you some time to get accustomed to this new aspect of your loved one’s life, but they need to know that you are a safe space for them as they embark on this new journey, and the best thing you can do for them at that time is to let them know that they have your support.
“Family Rejection of Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Adolescents & Negative Health Outcomes.” Family Acceptance Project ®, 2009, familyproject.sfsu.edu/news-announce/family-rejection-lesbian-gay-and-bisexual-adolescents-negative-health-outcomes.