The Invisibility of a Straight Facing Couple
As the child of an interracial couple I know what it means to grapple with the feelings of not belonging. I became very good at floating on the perimeter of every group. It was almost as if I was invited to a party but not the after party sleepover with the “close friends''. It is a painful place to be and one that became so second nature to me that I often didn’t notice it was happening. Now as an adult I can look back and see those moments with clarity. I feel sorrow for that little girl and a bit of gratitude that she was not fully aware of what was happening.
It is my life long experiences that became a training ground that prepared me for the misperceptions that lead to loneliness and invisibility associated with being in a straight-passing couple. My perfect and amazing partner identifies as non-binary, and I identify as pan-sexual. Our relationship is one of freedom and trust and as I am prone to write in our morning text messages, full of love that is in technicolor, rainbow bright and beautiful. It is a love where we are free to simply be who we were meant to be. If my partner wants to wear makeup and a soft nightgown to bed, I rejoice in their freedom to come to our marriage unashamed and shining in their glory to just simply be. It is a love that I didn't think was possible. It is without pretense. It is the type of love that I wish for everyone.
But it is one that rekindles the feelings of not quite belonging to a group based on what people see on the outside. For my parents it was skin color, for us, it is the appearance of being in a hetero-normative relationship.
We are both queer and so we naturally long to be accepted without hetero normative assumptions into the LBGTQ+ community. We volunteer and give to lbgtq organizations; we are teachers and advise our school’s Gay-Straight- Alliance; we attend a fabulous affirming church. We do what we can to give back and support our community because it's important.
Being in a straight-passing couple does come with privilege. Most people assume we are straight and so we get to navigate in the world without judgement, and we can choose whether or not to share our story with those around us. This privilege does not go unnoticed by us. But that privilege comes at a cost. The cost can be loneliness , an unspoken but nonetheless, noticeable ostracizing. The cost is never quite being understood, and the cost is never fully belonging.
As this is a blog, it is important that I share with you how I navigate these feelings. There is not a quick fix, but there are actionable things that you can do to help.
Here are 5 ways to deal with being in a straight facing relationship.
Talk to your friends and family about being queer.
Every person is unique and coming out can look different for each person. It is freeing when you are able to share your truth with those that are important to you.This might look like talking to your family, your friends, or maybe just the people in your life who you feel comfortable with.
Get involved in LBGTQ+ causes that are near and dear to your heart.
My partner and I are very fierce in our protection of our lbgtq+ students. We strive to create a place where each student feels safe and perfectly made. By giving back in this way we are abundantly blessed by getting to help amazing young people.
Get involved in your community as a queer person.
We have many queer owned businesses where we live and a new and thriving queer community group. One of the first things that we did when the group was formed was to offer to help in any way we could. We also made it a point to attend the events and by doing so were able to take steps to form some great friendships.
Share your story as an LGBTQ person in a straight facing relationship.
I often find myself telling my story as often as I can. It might just be an offhand remark like, “I am not straight” or “We are both queer and so we find issues like this important to us”. When I casually mention our story in ways that feel authentic to me, it makes me feel like I am taking actionable steps to be more visible.
Consider going to therapy as a queer person in a straight facing relationship.
The feelings of being in a straight passing couple are complicated and a great way to navigate those feelings is by getting to talk them out with a licensed therapist. I have found tremendous value in therapy and I credit it for helping me through incredibly difficult times in my life.
Change comes when our differences are acknowledged, and then celebrated. We cannot do that if we sit in our loneliness. The above tips are things that we are actively doing in our lives and we find each one helpful.
We are not alone, we have one another. I believe that each color of the rainbow is equal, each body part necessary, and each voice part of a larger, more beautiful choir. When you add your own voice, your own story, it makes the world technicolor bright.