Basic Tips If Questioning Your Sexuality and How Therapy Can Help
First things first: Congratulations! I am so glad you are here.
Even though questioning your sexuality can be hard at times, it is also a beautiful, exciting discovery journey. Please be kind to yourself and try to be open to whatever answers you might come across. We’ll talk about some basic steps you can take if you are in the process of questioning your sexuality. Those can help you get some clarity in the jungle of sexualities. Further on in the article, we’ll discuss how therapy can help you in the process.
Let’s start with some definitions
The list of sexualities we can identify with is long and constantly growing. That is amazing, as it makes room for all of us. For the sake of this article, we will only pick out some of them. The choice is unintentional, so non-mentioned sexualities are not worth any less. You can find countless more extensive lists on the internet.
Asexual: A term for people that do feel little to no sexual attraction to other’s
Bisexual: A term for people that feel sexually attracted to two or more genders
Gay/Lesbian: A term for people that feel sexually attracted to people of the same gender as themselves
Heterosexual / Straight: A term for people that feel sexually attracted to the opposite gender
Pansexual: A term for people whose romantic and/or sexual attraction is not limited by sex or gender
Queer: A term that is a sexual orientation other than straight
Tap into your feelings - Some basic tips
A comfortable idea to start with is trying to observe what you feel in certain situations. Let’s look at some examples together:
A mission you can go on is watching TV shows in your room. Yes, that is your task! Especially consider watching shows that cover the diversity of sexuality. You might want to observe, without judgement, what your body physically reacts to. Do you maybe feel some tingles when the lesbian couple is making out? Look into different shows and see if you can find a common theme in your reactions. For example, I have always ended up shipping the queer couples in a show. Sometimes, I would even only watch a show if there was a queer character in it! I want to add that for some people, physical attraction can be separated from their sexuality. But in this article, we will look at the basics first.
Another step is thinking about your history with friends. What do I mean by that? Well, when we spend a lot of time with friends, it sometimes can happen that we start feeling more than friendship for them. Especially, if they are embodying things we are looking for in a potential partner. Think about the gender of the friends you might have had a crush on or even fallen in love with. You might then want to have a look at our list above and see what sexuality might fit you. Do not worry, if you have not fallen in love with any of your friends ;-). This is NOT a list with steps that you need to have completed before being done with figuring out your sexuality!
Additionally, you can observe what you fantasize about. All you need is some time for yourself, in an environment you are able to feel safe and undisturbed. Sometimes, there can be a lot of resistance to feeling free in our fantasies, especially in our society formed by heteronormativity. You might want to challenge yourself, to consciously fantasize about situations placed outside the heterosexual box. Try to be non-judgmental and try to notice how different fantasies make you feel. You are in a process. For now, the result only belongs to you. It is important to mention, that your fantasies do not have to be related to your sexual orientation.
Talk with friends that identify with different sexualities. It might happen, that you can relate to certain experiences more than others. This might help you on your quest towards finding out your sexuality. Talk to them about their experiences and their journey of finding out more about their sexuality.
Watch some YouTube videos of people identifying with different sexualities. Oftentimes, it can bring a lot of clarity to see which people you might relate to. Feel free to indulge in the YouTube loophole and listen to people that are part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Not only might it help to figure out your own sexuality, but it might also make you feel less alone on your journey.
After taking some or all of the steps above, you might already have come closer to figuring out your sexuality. You have so much wisdom inside you, and you can be proud of yourself for tapping into it. Sometimes, it can still be helpful and comforting to talk to a non-involved person. For this, you might consider talking to a therapist.
How therapy can help those questioning their sexual orientation
Therapy is always a good idea. Disclaimer: Therapy should never pathologize any form of sexuality. Counseling for those wondering if they are LGBT should help you on your way to acceptance and love towards your sexuality. If you come across a therapist that is trying to talk you into heterosexuality or shows any kind of resistance towards the exploration of your sexuality, we strongly advise you to consider a change of therapist.
Therapy, especially for those who are questioning if they are LGBTQ should be there to support your true self. No matter where you find yourself in the process. Maybe you are in the process of questioning your sexuality. Maybe you need help as you just found out who you love. Now, let’s talk more precisely about how therapy can help if you are questioning your sexuality:
A therapist is a person that is not intertwined with your life and therefore is able to have a clear view of the connections from the outside. Friends or family can have quite a biased view of you, and it can often be difficult for them to see you outside the persona they created for you. Resisting change is human and that is why it might be hard for them to see, that you might be evolving. This does not have to mean that they do not accept that new part of you, it sometimes just takes time to adjust. For that, I always like to keep in mind that it took me a long time to accept my sexuality myself. That just makes it easier for me to give time to the people surrounding me. Because of all the above, it can be very helpful to talk to a therapist. They can guide you in a less biased way and even support you when your environment is struggling with accepting.
Therapy is a non-judgmental space. This adds great value to your path, as it gives you the possibility to truly explore yourself. When we are scared to be judged, we automatically try to hide anything that might be out of the norm and therefore come to attention. Especially LGBTQIA-affirming therapists can create the setting we need to openly face the parts of ourselves that might have (unfortunately!) been asked to be hidden before.
Questioning your sexuality can be painful. It can bring up a lot of memories, that you might have been suppressing until now. It can be incredibly helpful, to have somebody guide you through that pain. A therapist can aid to gently open those closed-off parts of your past and self. The weight that can be lifted from you, will make room for the exploration and expression of your true self.
Therapists are trained in listening deeply. When you are in a therapy session with them, it is their job to fully focus on your experience. That’s a big difference from a conversation you are having with friends. This has the advantage, that you can really express all of what is going on inside you. You will not have to question if you are taking up too much space.
ChoOse an LGBTQIA-affirming therapist! What defines LGBTQIA-affirming therapists?
They respect the whole spectrum of LGBTQIA+ identities
They have wide knowledge about different LGBTQIA+ identities and common struggles that might come with it
They can recommend a range of LGBTQIA+ specific resources
For some of us, it might also feel safer to further chose a therapist that is part of the LGBTQIA+ community. This is not a necessity to be considered as an LGBTQIA-affirming therapist.
Choosing a counselor that is sensitized will most likely make it easier for you to feel comfortable and able to share everything you want to share. Unfortunately, people within the LGBTQIA+ community are more likely to struggle with mental health issues. Therapists having the right knowledge can help you heal or prevent such. Therapy also tends to move quicker when you meet with a queer therapist because they understand many nuances that a straight person just doesn’t get.
Being part of the LGBTQ community, a group that is largely marginalized by society, it is of high importance to feel understood and safe in the therapeutic context. Being able to show our full self is a requirement for trust.
Take all the time you need to discover if you are LGBTQ
There is no need to rush this process. You are allowed to go at your own speed. Take steps, when it feels OK for you to walk. For example, I was resisting my sexuality for many years. I used to be angry at myself for hiding it away. Now, I understand that I just could not go faster. There were so many things that had to unfold in the process. Things that I just could not handle to feel all at once. So it is OK if it takes you a lifetime, just like it is OK to figure out your sexuality in half a day.
Change is possible, well, sort of.
It is important to mention, that sexuality is not set in stone and so while our sexual orientation doesn't change our experience of it and understanding of it can shift as we grow and explore. That means at one part in our life we might identify more strongly with one particular orientation and then another one at a different time. For some of us, sexuality is even very fluid. Let’s try to be open to where our inner wisdom is leading us. Sexuality is a journey. We celebrate wherever you find yourself today, Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans, or Queer.
However, don’t let anybody tell you that your experience is wrong. If a therapist has told you that they will make you straight, find a new therapist instantly! No one has the right to make you feel like you are not accepted the way you are. Being part of the LGBTQIA+ Community is wonderful and empowering. For anybody who has experienced people telling them that they should change towards being straight or ignore their sexuality, I highly recommend talking about the experience with the health services of the “The Christian Closet.” You are worth being seen and validated. They have a team of Christian LGBTQ counselors who have literally walked in your shoes.
Thank you, dear reader, for making it to the end.
Let me tell you, you are not alone. You have a whole amazing, colorful community having your back. If you are thinking of talking to a therapist, you might want to consider the virtual mental health & spiritual health services “The Christian Closet”. All of their therapists are part of the LGBTQIA+ community which is so helpful when trying to work through this particular journey. You’ve got this and we are cheering you on!