5 Important Things to Consider When You Begin Dating as an LGBTQ Christian
Dating as a QUEER CHRISTIAN
I have said this before and I will say it again: there has never been an easier time in history to be a queer Christian.
One tangible thing I can point to that shows me times are changing and our lives are getting easier is the very existence of Believr—a dating app specifically designed for LGBTQ Christians—this type of matchmaking service would have been unheard of even five years ago.
With the recent launch of an LGBTQ Christian dating app, let’s take a moment today on The Christian Closet blog to talk about dating. Life really can be so much more fun when it’s shared with a partner in a healthy relationship, and more often than not, these relationships start from making that decision to wade into the often rough waters of the dating pool. Dating is indeed a difficult topic to fully grasp the do’s and don’ts of for any class of people, let alone a gay Christian, but in our situation as queer people of faith, there are certain unique challenges that we are presented with being active members of both the LGBTQ community and the church at large. Here are five pieces of advice I’ve compiled for someone getting ready to start dating as a gay Christian.
Think About What You Want in love as an lgbtq Christian
Really, this is solid dating advice for anybody. When you go out to a restaurant, it’s important to look over the menu and do a little bit of soul-searching to know what type of food you are in the mood to have. Even if you’re not sure what you really want because everything looks good, doing some thinking ahead of time about the *type* of cuisine you want to order will point you in a direction to be satisfied. I think of dating in a similar way—asking yourself ahead of time, before you even log into the app,
“What type of connection do I really want here?”
In the world of dating, it’s a little inevitable that hearts will be broken along the way. It’s part of being human and having human emotions. I think heartbreak is one of those things that gets amplified when people are not honest with themselves or their partners about what exactly they want, so taking this time to sit down and think, “What am I really looking for?” is going to help both you and your potential partner. Whether you’re looking for someone for just one evening or for the rest of your life, it’s important to at least have a general sense of that goal going into a first date.
Remember that the LGBTQ Christian Community is Not a Monolith
If you are specifically looking to date an LGBTQ Christian and are hoping that just getting over that barrier will mean you agree on everything, I have some good news and some bad news for you: the bad news is that because each and every single one of us are different people, we will have different experiences that have informed different views of the world. The good news is that because each and every single one of us are different people, we will have different experiences that have informed different views of the world (Yes, I did that thing where the bad news is also the good news!).
It’s important to keep in mind that communities are made up of individual people, and thus not a single community that exists in the world is exactly aligned on every single issue because each one of us has lived a different life. Within the LGBTQ Christian community, for example, we have come to all sorts of different conclusions regarding what a God-honoring sexual ethic can be: some of us in the community believe no same-sex sexual activity is God-honoring, which on the whole we would call that faction of the LGBTQ Christian community “Side B”, but even within side B, there are some who believe they should abstain altogether from dating relationships while other side B queer Christians believe a committed relationship is OK so long as the two partners never engage in sexual activity.
Likewise, in the faction of the gay Christian community that believes it can be God-honoring to engage in same-sex sexual activity (often called “Side A”), there are all sorts of beliefs within that camp. Some believe same-sex sexual activity is only God-ordained within the bounds of monogamous marriage, some believe you can be God-honoring within a consensual polyamorous relationship, some believe God doesn’t have much of any hard-and-fast rules regarding sexual behavior.
I share those examples in the above paragraphs regarding the exploration of LGBTQ Christian sexual ethics to illustrate that people who fall under the grand umbrella of “queer Christian” can come to wildly different conclusions. No two people believe exactly the same things about every facet of any given issue, even when they fit under the same broad category. Know that just because you meet another Christian lesbian, for example, that can mean a lot of different things . . . and you won’t know anything for sure until you get to know each other and figure out what faith and sexuality mean to any given LGBTQ Christian!
Work On Yourself as an LGBT Christian is important
When you put yourself out there in the dating world—whether you are motivated to find a one-night stand or to begin a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember that just as much as you are looking for someone to have a healthy dating interaction with, someone else is out there looking for you. Healthy dating is never a transactional relationship, like the experience you have browsing Amazon and ordering the product you need. Because the other person on the end of the dating app or on the other side of the table is just as human as you are, it’s very important ahead of entering the dating pool to work on yourself. Having a healthy relationship with yourself will make you more attractive to your potential dates and mates.
Let’s break that down because especially for queer people of faith, we often are forced to do a lot of introspection as we reckon with scripture, doctrine, and personal convictions right alongside the “normal” LGBTQ rites of passage like coming out of the closet and dealing with losing relationships—and for gay Christians, there is often little separation between these rites of passage and the wrestling with and often deconstruction of faith. It’s a lot—it’s a lot for anyone. I recall Julie Rodgers (author of Outlove: A Queer Christian Survival Story) saying at a past conference for The Reformation Project that
practically every LGBTQ Christian deserves an honorary MDiv degree for the sheer amount of effort it takes to endure existing as a queer Christian.
That repeated work on an abstract level—figuring out what it means to be gay and Christian or trans and Christian—can take a real toll on you as a person.
It’s important to do the work of growing and healing as a person because, at the end of the day, the one relationship that you can’t ever fully remove yourself from is the one you have with yourself. Knowing who God made you to be on many different levels and being able to be excited to share it with the rest of the world in the right timing will make dating (and frankly, life in general) a more enjoyable experience!
Of course, like any good therapist, I recommend—finances permitting—that you seek professional help to aid you in working on yourself. Your therapist won’t necessarily hand you the answers on how to be the best version of yourself, but what you will find is that having a therapist or a counselor going along this journey will give you an outside perspective to ask you the questions and lead you in exercises that will get you doing the work on yourself that will supercharge your personal development.
One thing you will realize when you start intentionally working on yourself is you’ll find it’s a lifelong journey—no matter what we have gone through before or what is to come, we are always presented with opportunities to learn new things about ourselves, and coming and going through these challenges with professional help through any ebb and flow of circumstance or mental health or, yes, even love life, will sharpen your being and ultimately, make you someone that draws others in.
Don’t Feel Pressure to Move Quickly as a Queer Christian
This piece of advice is more geared toward queer Christians who are seeking a long-term relationship. One thing I think the church does objectively well is they accelerate the process in which people become very close and grow incredibly vulnerable with each other. I want to clarify I do not think this is not a bad thing in the least—many, many close friends have been formed quickly in church and otherwise Christian communities (heck, some of the best friendships I have on the planet were formed through the three days of Q Christian Conference). Those of us who have spent a considerable amount of time in “churchy” environments may believe implicitly that the faster a relationship moves, the more right it must be . . . and I’m not going to tell you that moving quickly is inherently bad—but I want to encourage you not to take moving slowly as inherently bad, either. No two humans are the same, and thus, no two relationships will have the same trajectory.
I think part of this pressure on LGBTQ Christians to move quickly in relationships can stem from the idea that we get thinking once we’ve ironed out our theology and worked on ourselves and we’ve come out of the closet, we’re done and just any fellow queer Christian who we find attractive will be an instant match. That’s just not true! Think about all that work you did on yourself to get to where you are . . . it’s important to afford that same tier of care and attention you gave to being your best self to form your best relationship. That will take time, and that will take effort.
So how would I recommend you do that? I’ve heard someone say before that on a first impression, you only need to introduce 70% of yourself. This person continued, it’s not that you’re hiding anything by choosing to only share 70% of yourself, it’s just the average friend or acquaintance only needs to know 70% of the details to “get the picture” of who you are and what you’re all about. Leading with too much more than that can overwhelm. As you get to know each other—especially if the connection turns into a long-term romantic relationship—the remaining 30% will fill in in its time. In the beginning, just start with 70% . . . see where it goes. It helps to pace yourself.
Remember to Enjoy Yourself as an LGBTQ Christian Dating for the First Time
And this is my conclusion of our blog post today: you may have spent quite a significant time in your life in fear of what it really means to be a gay Christian or what it really means to be a transgender Christian or lesbian or bisexual. Coming out may have broken relationships in your life and stunted your growth of living into your full self. While it is important to hold space for how you have been hurt, do not let those people from your former life or that voice inside your head steal your queer joy. Dating is a chance to meet others who are like you! God is pleased when creation lives into its full self—and dating is an undeniable part of the human experience.
Good luck. Be safe out there—and have fun 😊